I feel that the real value that my blog has to offer is openness and honesty. So let’s talk honestly about me and exercise. Going to the gym is hard. Real hard. When I’m there my brain just shuts down. I’m intimidated. I feel lost. I feel embarrassed. I feel like a little kid. Let me tell you about my experience at the gym and why I think I feel this way. At 9am I went to meet at the gym to go over an exercise routine. I went through it with the guy, I think I started calling him John in my last post. I completed it all and did stretches.
But, you know, me being me I have to analyze and intellectualize everything. While I am at the gym I feel foggy. Real foggy. I feel confused. I feel like I’m extremely childlike and incompetent. Honestly, I feel like my IQ drops a good 75 points. I feel like I act stupid and helpless. I feel like I should be able to manage better than I do.
Then I was thinking I wonder if this is what learned helplessness (the subject of my proposed honors research) feels like. I feel like I’m unable to do even basic things. I feel confused. I feel like I ask stupid questions. I think this may be a manifestation of Helplessness in my life.
Jehovah’s Witnesses generally discourage sports and focusing on physical fitness. Additionally, my father (who was into fitness) discouraged us from exercising when I was a kid, apparently out of fear that we would get hurt. I think that between some combination of the two I developed a helplessness complex in relation to exercise and fitness.
Because I feel this helplessness I feel embarrassed. I feel embarrassed thinking I shouldn’t be helpless like this. The embarrassment then tends to cause me to stay away or give up.
I keep reminding myself that if survived a doomsday cult I can manage going to the gym. I’m determined to power through this helplessness or whatever it is! I have plans to go to the gym again on Wednesday. I will undoubtedly have an update post then 🙂
I really enjoy discussing Learned Helplessness and similar topics and have no fear I will be talking about it more.