With our growing community of XJWs online its important that we learn skills to better support each other. One way that we can do this is by becoming an active Listener. You’re job as a listener is to build rapport, understanding and trust. You’re job is not to give advice or tell others what to do. As JWs we were accustomed to telling others what to do and what to believe. As XJWs we respect others need to grow, develop, and differentiate themselves even if their beliefs are different than our own. As Active listening can be combined with validation techniques and unconditional positive regard to better support each other.
Psychologist John Grohol, Psy.D, has identified 13 steps to help become a better active listener. Research suggests that these techniques used in active listening can be utilized online or in person (Bauer & Figl 2008). Lets take a look at these steps in the context of supporting XJWs.
1. Restate. While you are listening repeat back what the sharer is saying. You shouldn’t repeat back word-for-word what was said. Instead you should paraphrase. Dr. Grohol gives the example of a response as “Lets see if I’m clear about this…”
2. Summarize. Here you help put everything you’ve heard together by summarizing what the sharer has told you. You do this to make a cohesive narrative and to check to see if you understood the story correctly. Dr. Grohol says you could use, “So it sounds to me as if…” or “Is that it?” in your response.
3. Encourage. While listening (or reading) you can make comments to show that you are following the sharers story. Encourage them to continue sharing. Dr. Grohol mentions phrases like, “Oh?” “I understand” “Then?” or “and?”. This shows you’re a paying attention, that you care, and helps keep the conversation flowing.
4. Reflect. Similar to restating but in this case you words that emphases feelings of the sharer. Dr. Grohol’s example is, “This seems really important to you…”
5. Give feedback. As a listener you’re job is primarily to listen. However it can be good to share relevant information, observations, insights, and experience. It’s important to be careful when giving feedback. We want to be cautious that we are not pushing our own beliefs on someone else. However it is possible to give feedback while still respecting someone else’s beliefs. Dr. Grohol suggest listening carefully after you have given feedback to confirm the sharers perspectives.
6. Label emotions. The person sharing their story might have trouble putting their feelings into words. You can help them by labeling the emotions they are describing. Dr. Grohol’s gives the example of saying, “I’m sensing that you’re feeling frustrated…” [fill in the motion]. You can also use the phrase, “I’m guessing you feeling…” When labeling its important to not tell the sharer what they are feeling. As JWs we may have been told what we were feeling and we want to avoid doing that when supporting XJWs.
7. Probing. Ask the sharer questions to show that you are listening and leads the conversation through meaningful topics . Dr. Grohol suggests using, “What do you think would happen if you…?”
8. Validation. Here you acknowledge what the sharer is saying mentioning specific problems, issues, and feelings that they have discussed. Dr. Grohol gives the example validation response, “I appreciate your willingness to talk about such a difficult issue…” For more on validation please see my full post ExJWs: Emotional Validation
9. Pause. When listening in person or online its good to pause on key points. This helps emphasize the point you’re making and helps indicate that what you are saying is important.
10. Silence. Being silent can be a challenge for some. Allowing silent moments to occur gives the sharer a moment to think and process what they are saying and feeling. Dr. Grohol also says that a moment of silence can help diffuse unproductive interactions.
11. “I” statements. Classic “I” statements help you talk about the problem and not the person. Dr. Grohl’s example I statement is, “I know you have a lot to say but I need to…” “I” statements are highly effective but can be tricky to use. Please see my full post ExJWs: Using “I” Statements
12. Redirecting. Sometimes we might listen to someone who is becoming increasingly agitated and angry. As XJWs this happens and we may have certain topics that we are particularly sensitive to. If you notice this happening it might be appropriate to redirect the conversation to a different topic.
13. Consequences. Dr. Grohol suggests giving specific feedback regarding the consequences of inaction. He suggests that we take not of what the sharer is saying and highlight the potential consequences. The example he gives is, “What happened the last time you stopped taking the medicine your doctor prescribed?”
References:
Bauer, C. & Figl, K. (2008). “Active listening” in written online communication – A case study in a course on “Soft Skills for Computer Scientists”. Proceedings – Frontiers in Education Conference. F2C-1 . 10.1109/FIE.2008.4720282.
Grohol, J. (2018, October 8) Become a Better Listener: Active Listening. PsychCentral. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
Ryan David Tuttle 